The Living Constitution

by Myron Pauli

Posted September 11, 2005

George WASHINGTON: Gentlemen, we are here to discuss modifications to the Articles of Confederation. I, for one, am sick of Maryland interfering with my hemp shipments to Pennsylvania and would like the states to stop interfering with interstate commerce. So we need to think of some ways to correct this. Perhaps we need a whole new Constitution.

George BUSH: Hey, I got a great idea! Why don't we get occupied by 140,000 foreign troops and have them set up a Provisional Government, disarm all Americans, and put people who have been exiled from America in positions of power? I think we would all welcome them as liberators and they could write us a Constitution while they were at it!

WASHINGTON: I think we'll make our own Constitution, thank you.

John KERRY: I was for the Constitution before I was against it!

WASHINGTON: I guess we need to have a quorum to start business.

Sandra Day O' CONNOR: There is also a compelling government interest in having a critical mass of Hispanics, as well.

Charles PINCKNEY: Sorry, folks, that I am late. I got ticketed for not being properly strapped into a Consumer Product Safety Commission saddle on my way up from South Carolina.

WASHINGTON: That's interstate commerce for you! Click it or ticket!

John ADAMS: I'd like to know if the government may enact Sedition Acts to deal with those who denigrate government officials.

John McCAIN: John, just call it campaign reform laws. We put the malefactors in a stockade and apply a hot iron to their tongues.

ADAMS: That's an excellent idea. I wish I had thought of it.

Patrick HENRY: I know not what course others might take....

Antonin SCALIA: Sir, this is a drug free convention! You cannot address the convention until you give us a urine sample.

Ben FRANKLIN: Say, George, that reminds me. Will the federal government pay to take care of my erectile dysfunction?

WASHINGTON: Only if they pay for my wooden teeth.

James MADISON: Sorry, I'm late. I just got here from having lunch at the Freemason lodge. I hope I didn't miss anything.

John Paul STEVENS: The Freemasons lodge sounds like a place of public accommodation. They had better hire gay lodge leaders.

O' CONNOR: Not to mention a critical mass of trangendered French Hugenots!

WASHINGTON: I believe that Mr. Hamilton wants to say something.

Alexander HAMILTON: Yes, I propose that the new federal government allow patents and copyrights to encourage the sciences and arts.

Thomas JEFFERSON: That sounds like a permanent monopoly to me.

MADISON: Why don't we just make it for limited times?

JEFFERSON: How do you define limited times?

Jack VALENTI: When Mickey Mouse says so!

JEFFERSON: I think the idea stinks. Next thing, they will start suing manufacturers of quill pens because they can be used to copy works for free!

VALENTI: Oh, go back to Virginia and your love slave Sally!

JEFFERSON: I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Hemmings!

William CLINTON: Say, that's [i[my line!

Roger SHERMAN: Can't we all just get along?

Rodney KING: Say, that's my line!

WASHINGTON: Hamilton, write something in about inventions. Let's move on to criminal trials.

George MASON: I propose that accused people have a right to counsel and trial by jury. ( loud noises are heard offstage )

Gouvernour MORRIS: Those homeland security idiots! They made me remove my peg leg and that's why I couldn't get in for the longest time.

John HANCOCK: And they confiscated my quill pen!

Al GORE: You know, I invented the quill pen.

WASHINGTON: Thank God they let me keep my false teeth!

David SOUTER: Oops, you said God. That's a 10 cent fine.

MADISON: Anyway, I like Mason's ideas on the rights of the accused to a lawyer and a jury trial.

HAMILTON: Even for a scoundrel like Aaron Burr?

John ASHCROFT: For someone like Burr, the President just has to label him an enemy combatant and then he can be shipped incommunicado to a remote island and held indefinitely.

JEFFERSON: Dang, I wish I had thought of that.

WASHINGTON: Sergeant-at-arms, find Mr. Burr and take him to a remote island and sic some dogs on him while you're at it.

Aaron BURR: Hey, I want a lawyer. Get me Raymond Burr!

HAMILTON: Sounds like nepotism.

BURR: I meant Perry Mason.

MASON: Sounds like nepotism. Looks like you lose, Burr.

Alberto GONZALES: Don't worry, Aaron, if you don't suffer permanent organ damage, it doesn't count as torture. ( Burr is forcibly removed )

MADISON: Don't you think this is a bit excessive?

ADAMS: Careful or you'll be accused of treason.

HENRY: If this be treason, make the most of it.

SCALIA: Sir, I'm still waiting for your urine sample.

FRANKLIN: That reminds me, what about my erectile dysfunction?

Benjamin RUSH: I'll treat it if I get relief from malpractice suits!

WASHINGTON: Can I sue your leeches, at least? Now let's get back to modifying the Articles of Confederation.

KERRY: I was against the Articles before I was for it.

WASHINGTON: Hmm, it looks like rain! Paine, give me your umbrella, I don't want to get wet tonight.

Thomas PAINE: But it's my umbrella! It's not yours!

WASHINGTON: I'm confiscating it for myself under eminent domain for public use. I'm the Commander-in-chief! Don't be a big pain, Paine!

STEVENS: This sounds good to me.

PAINE: These are the times that try men's souls.

WASHINGTON: Now that I know I'll be dry tonight, let's discuss how we enforce the provisions of the new Constitution.

BUSH: That's easy. We get 140,000 foreign mercenaries from thousands of miles away driving around in uparmored HMMWV's. All us Americans can come out and welcome them as liberators!

HAMILTON: We can have a Supreme Court consisting of the finest legal minds and probing the deepest constitutional questions. I think that is a better solution.

CLINTON: That depends on the meaning of the word is.

MASON: How about if we make sure that the right of all citizens to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed?

ADAMS: What does that mean?

Sarah BRADY: It means that the government can ban lots of weapons but not all, make people wait to own guns, register the owners, and pass about 20,000 laws. Other than that, the rights shall not be infringed.

JEFFERSON: Boy, that sure clears it up for me.

ADAMS: Well, I don't understand but I guess we can let the Supreme Court interpret it. We can certainly count on fine legal minds to keep this country free and respect the Constitution just like we wrote it.

WASHINGTON: God bless the Supreme Court.

SOUTER: That's your second offense. That will cost you 25 cents plus you have to give Paine 5 cents for his umbrella.

WASHINGTON: We'd better adjourn or I'll have to call on Alan Greenspan to print me up some new paper money. I'm glad we accomplished a lot today. We have a living document that will last throughout the ages.

FRANKLIN: I don't think it will last any longer than my .....

RUSH: We know, Ben! But thanks to campaign reform laws, no one will be the wiser.

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